Tuesday, October 28, 2008

The Day I Ate a Condom

So, yeah...I know that I've already written my first post, but I figured that this story is an attention getter. The sooner I get fans, the better. No, seriously...I'm too awesome not to have a following. I mean, come on. Look at me. That's right. Eat your heart out, Lassie.

Before reading this story, I must tell you that I was really bored that day, no one was, ahm, paying attention to me, and I was barely a year old. Okay, enough disclaimers. Here it goes. Oh and don't judge me. Okay...now we are really ready. Or at least as ready as you can be when discussing the digestion of latex.

I remember that day like it was yesterday...it was a warm, um, crap. Whatever. You don't need to know the day. It was a long time ago and it was in the afternoon. What you do need to know is that Alex told me that morning that she was going to be getting off work early. Yawning, I replied with my usual "You are such an idiot and I don't know why I tolerate your existence sometimes" look. Then, she told me the great news and I understood. We were going to PetCo.

I had heard tales around the apartment complex from other dogs. Mocha, a male Schitzu (right? I mean, how manly can you be with a frickin' bow in your hair? Geez), had said it was pretty sweet, except for the clothing and accessories section. I nearly called him a liar when he said there was an actual buffet (!) of dog snacks that you could try before you buy. That's right. I said it. Let's take a minute for this to sink in.

Okay, back on track...so when Alex mentioned that our afternoon would include a trip to a place that can only be described as heaven-like, I was pumped. She headed off to class and I stored my energy up by sleeping most of the day in preparation of the fun ahead. Around 2pm-ish, Alex came home. Unfortunately, she was not alone.

Now, I'm going to skip through the details here. I might think she's dumb sometimes, but I do love my roomie. Let's just say that I was disappointed and attempting to express my frustration while she was otherwise occupied. I mean, do you KNOW how much fun it is to chew up a paperback novel? Or even homework for Agronomy 205? Maybe you haven't experienced it, but I can tell you that I have. It's amazing. Totally compensates for any guilt you may later feel that your roommate has to tell the professor that her dog actually did eat her homework. The point is, I hadn't chewed anything up that day and let me tell you...I wasn't the strongly disciplined dog of the world that I am today. No, ma'am. I was weak. There were lots of "accidents" during that time of my life. I'm not proud. However, on that day, I was great. Then she brings a boy home. It really was her fault. Maybe if she wasn't such a baby about having "pillow talk" then none of this would have happened. Whatever. Least we both knew I peed on the boy's pillow, like, 2 weeks before. That's right, bitches -I laugh last. Write that down.

So after spending some time on other activities, Alex asks me if I'm ready. Are you kidding me? I've been waiting on her forever (well, heehee, not quite that long, if you know what I mean). I jumped around as she tried to put my leash on (ugh, I hate that thing). I finally sit (and NOT because I was repeatedly asked) because my stomach felt kinda weird...I couldn't figure out what was going on. I figured I'd walk it off. Nothing was stopping me now. I was going to PetCo.

Alex very politely rolled the window down for me and I got to stick my head out the window on the ride there. Man, I love doing that. That day, though, I couldn't quite enjoy it. My stomach was still feeling weird and had started to make some weird noises. Fortunately, Alex was singing (that's what she calls her wailing) and couldn't hear me. I knew that if I was going to enjoy my time in heaven, I was gonna have to take care of some business soon. VERY soon.

We pulled up in the parking lot and GASP! It was all concrete!!! There was a tiny little median with a tree and packed dirt. Now, personally, I like to use these vines that they planted in my old complex. Actually, they have them in my new place too. I don't know what it is, but every time I step in those, I have the urge to...Whoa. Sorry, total tangent. Anyways, I can tell you that its a good thing PetCo is awesome on the inside because the outside is lacking.

I didn't get to relieve myself outside between my horror at the conditions of the facilities and Alex pulling on my leash. We get inside and I swear, the angels were singing and the red and blue neon looked like the most majestic sunrise you've ever seen. I was immediately less aware of my need to, well, you know, and consumed with the urge to explore. Everything was going great until a sign appeared in front of us: Apparel & Accessories.

Now, the floor of PetCo is tiled and you can't get much traction on it. Believe me, I tried...Alex was dragging me along, not even noticing that I didn't want to go down there. Well, I gave her something to notice. Mwahahaha

In my experience, I believe in preventative measures. Now, it is certain that she was going to stuff me into another sweater or give me a pink collar like Mocha's (Dude, I know.), but she had that look in her eye. While she was admiring the fashions, I marked my territory. I mean, I really marked it. haha Good thing I did too. I would like turn your attention to Exhibit A. Need I say more?

Figured out what was upsetting my stomach, too. Upon further examination, I realized that it was shiny because some of it was wrapped in latex. Believe me, this poop was strange looking. And it did not smell nice either.

As the scent wafted over to Alex, she turned and her jaw dropped. There, in the middle of aisle, was a pile of dog crap that was ribbed for her pleasure and it was obvious who the culprit was. I haven't seen my roomie move fast very often, but that day, she could have beaten Michael Johnson. She gave my leash a good pull and started toward the front. The one thing she didn't know was that the Exit was right past the cashiers.

While we were leaving, a clerk asked her if she found everything okay. I was all about getting out of there or at least checking out that buffet thing, but Alex decided to listen to her conscience. Before we ran out the door, I heard her say, through gritted teeth, "Clean up on aisle 3."

It was 2 years before I got to go to PetCo with Alex again. Thank God for her parents. :)

About Me

Let's see...where should I start? Please forgive me as this is the first time I've ever had a blog. It took me quite awhile to learn to type since I am without thumbs. I guess I should introduce myself first. Hi, my name is Martini Olivia (leave it alone - I didn't pick it!) and I am a white Miniature Schnauzer. Do not be fooled by the reference to small stature -I can promise you that if we ever met, you wouldn't believe how big I actually am! I feel that it is all about presence. Plus...well, let's just say that it's not the most accurate description. Some would say it is a weight problem (I know Alex sure does), but I completely disagree. I'm in a life long love affair and my partner is anything I can consume. I wouldn't quite limit it to food. But that's another story. We'll come back to that.

I mainly reside in Austin, Texas, but also have a country home with my roommate's parents. I have a two bedroom apartment all to myself...well, besides my human, Alex. Here's a picture of both of us. I know some of you out there are visual learners. Hopefully, this will help you keep things straight.

Yeah, I know it's a Christmas picture. Please disregard that sweater...Sigh. We will talk more about clothes later.

What was I saying...ah, yes, my human. I know, I know -you thought it was a boy. Got ya. (Besides do you really think a boy is dumb enough to create a blog and devote it completely to what is most likely his dog's perspective on life? Exactly.) Nope, Alex is a girl. The majority of the time we get along okay. Somtimes, she tries to pretend -ha-that she is in charge. Go figure! Crazy humans and their thumbs.

We have both agreed that it is better not to act like I am her child. I think it's demeaning and Alex has some sort of issue with the fact that her biological clock is starting to tick louder so no saying "Martini's mom" (oops, probably wasn't supposed to mention the clock thing...aw, screw it). The term we decided on after a very democratic process (everytime Alex said something I didn't like, I licked my ass so she caught my drift pretty quick) is roommate. Now, even though she pays the bills, I think that my role in the relationship is MUCH more important. After all, I decide who may enter.

What else? I'm 28 right now...in dog years of course. I didn't feel like having a party this past year (being so close to 30 and whatnot), but man, was my 21st birthday AWESOME. I had a Mexican Martini theme and my friends brought their owners and I got drunk and passed out around midnight. Didn't puke though. I'm a baller like that. Beer is nothing when you say hello by smelling butts.

Just to give you a little better idea what I'm all about, I thought I would share with you some of my favorite things: food, attention, talking, being a monster, food, welcoming people by barking (try it some time -the humans will freak), food, and hanging out at my local dive bar, Bull McCabe's. Other than that, I guess I'd like to say welcome and enjoy. I'll try to keep you updated with everything I'm doing. We'll see how it goes.