Friday, September 25, 2009

Country Dog Behavior - Part Zwei: The Welcome and the Good Life

NOTE 1: This blog was originally posted on September 25th, but I finally got a picture of Stinky when I was forced to go into my "stealth ninja" mode. Tee-hee. She never even knew I was there...

NOTE 2: For the purposes of simplicity, I will refer to Alex's parents as Mom and Dad for the remainder of this post. Thank you.

Well, HELLLLOOO everyone! Yes, I am back! Now, let's get right down to business because I know you've all been eagerly awaiting with bated breath (yep, Alex isn't the only one getting smarter by going back to school! I've been sleeping in the office by the dictionary...apparently learning by osmosis really works...who knew!) about what exactly differs in my behavior when I visit the country. Now, now...don't go assuming that my awesomeness doesn't transfer cause it sure as hell does! Baby, this awesome used to only speak German! I got multilingual awesome. Learn it, live it, love it. Okay, now where were we....ah yes! Country Dog Behavior - Part 2: The Welcome and




(FYI: that stupid effing shirt says "...the good life". I hate it but thought you might like seeing me humiliated. Enjoy cause there's no more freebies.)

As we have already established, by the time we turn into the little neighborhood that Alex's parents live in (and yes, it is actually in the country...they have 12 acres and deer!), both me and my roomie are SOOOO ready to get out of the car. If Alex's off key singing or her phone conversations are boring me or she doesn't need my help getting out a ticket, then I like to nap to prepare for my welcome. When we start getting close though, Alex feels like she needs to ask me "Are we nearly there?" in a really annoying voice. I mean, c'mon. I never figured out how to work that TeleNav crap on her Blackberry and besides, haven't we been here enough that you know where you used to live?! God, I can't imagine how lost this chick was before I adopted her. Jeez! You're the one with the steering wheel for crying out loud, ya know what I mean? Let me have it if you can't handle it. Moving on...

Of course, when we are going down the driveway (which I will elaborate on later), my window must be rolled down. I whine and bark a little to let my roomie know this is the right house (the idiot) and when we pull up, Alex knows not to even try to take her seatbelt off or turn off the engine because I am getting out. Whichever one of the big dogs, Frankie or Pedro, is out comes up to the car door and I have to tell him what's up so he'll quit trying to drool on me (men, right?). Queen Bee is back, bitch (or whatever the other word is that means a male dog instead of female). Then if it's Frankie, he's kind of like the trumpet that you hear before the king or queen walks and he barks to let everyone know I'm coming. Pedro just pees on the tires. Then it is straight to the back door (not the garage one- it's scary!) to see Mom and Dad. Sometimes Alex makes me so proud...I mean, she doesn't even try to get my bags out of the car before she opens the house door for me. It's just so great when all of your hard work pays off, ya know? Sigh. She really is a smart kid sometimes.

Anyways, I walk in and let them know I'm here (if they didn't hear Frankie's announcement). They both come running to the door (or they should at least) and I tell them about my day and how horrible the drive was and how good it is see them and have you lost weight, Mom? You know, the usual convos. Pretty standard.

Now, what time of night or day we arrive determines which important duties I must fulfill shortly after arrival. I'm not even sure how they function without me. Lord only knows the chaotic mess that ensues without my iron paw ruling (God, I'm articulate). Since most of the time it's in the evenings, we'll start there and work our way back to the night after that. Before we get into it though, I'd like to discuss a few things that I really like about the country.
  • I don't have to see Alex if I don't want to while I'm there! 

  • I don't have to entertain Alex all the time myself. I'm sure you understand what I mean...everyone likes to mix things up from time to time and I'm no exception. I guess I like when she chases me, but it's fun when other people do it too. Not to mention the way Mom handles that duck toy! Man! She makes sure that she doesn't pull my beard during tug-o-war AND that I get control of the squeaky part! That's right, folks. Life doesn't get much better than that.

  • No one picks up my poop. Okay, you know you think its weird too! I mean, when I even start to think about doing my little preparation waddle (or my "poop walk" if you are tacky, Alex), then my roomie is putting on that dark green mitt and making sure she has a clear view of where it falls. I don't even go in the bathroom when she has to go! I experience a freedom in the country that only a lucky few will ever know. No one knows where I go #2 at, but it's not in the yard!

  • No one tells me to be quiet. Yeah right, the neighbors, yada-yada. Whatever. You're just pissed cause I saw that girl and her scrawny mutt first.
  • CATS! Mama Kitty is the oldest. She has only had one-count 'em-ONE litter of kittens ever but goes by the name anyways. Think it's because she's the oldest. We go way back (that's her and Dad with me in the first pic). The other one is Stinky...aptly (another good word, right) named because she used to not know how to clean herself and reaked to high countertops (which I estimate are about as high as Heaven and could even be Heaven with all of the food that gets placed on them). I mean, I know it's not classy to lick yourself in public, but damn, girl. Your butt stinks...do something about that. Maybe then you wouldn't get put outside at night. Think it through. Stinky also lays in really strange positions all over the place and likes to get in the way. That's her taking up all the friggin' room on the living room couch. She should just be thankful that I prefer Mom's chair...yeah, cause otherwise we'd have a problem on our paws which I would not mind dealing with - let me tell you! And by deal with, I mean chase her until I get close and then avoid eye contact while simultaneously barking and furiously waggling my nub. That's right...every action has consequences and sometimes that means facing my wrath. Anyways, those felines are just too damn chase-able for their own good.

  • Dad. Now there's a man that really knows how to treat the ladies. I knew I liked him when I first saw him. We have a really special relationship. He always makes sure that I'm taken care of. Like, whenever Mom and Dad are busy that day or have to go out, then he leaves Animal Planet on for me. In both the game room and the living room because he knows that my security details require rotation. The windows have very different views, as you can see here, and allow me to scan the horizon and protect the house while they're out. AND, if I haven't gotten to get out of the house, then we go for a ride in his truck to town (he leaves the window down the whole time) and stop by Bush's Chicken, where I get my own cup of ice and he feeds it to me on the way home. He's the greatest. Here are my posts. The one on the left is the living room and the right is the game room.











Whew, I didn't realize how much stuff there is to tell you! I think this post is going to have to hold you for awhile. Apparently this 'Country Dog Behavior' is going to be longer than the Godfathers. Hopefully the third installment doesn't blow though like that one did. You know it did, DeNiro. Don't be mad at me, Bobby. I don't make the rules. Anyways, I've gotta jet. I like to get in bed by at least 11 so I can get Alex up for the dog park or Greenbelt before class. Lazy killed the cow (you know...like curiousity killed the cat?). Thanks to Preslee for making that statement once. And yes, Alex, that was a fat joke directed at you. Bite me.

And as you can see I'm getting cranky. BUT before I go, Congrats to Mister Olive for winning Best Schnauzer in the Austin American Statesman Readers Poll. Pretty awesome, but ya know, I didn't enter because Alex never gets me groomed. Or because I hate to bathe...probably one of those. Whatever. Way to represent, Olive!

One more thing, everyone please keep Zack in your thoughts as he recovers from surgery. And, Zack, if you have names, hun, you get those to me when you can. I know pitbulls with anger issues. We'll handle it.

To keep you happy, I'll leave you with this little video. I call it "Nub Wagglin' Goodness". If that doesn't cheer up your day, then you are probably not the audience I'm trying to reach. Go look at some news website. We don't need your kind here.



Until next time...
Martini

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

COMING SOON! Country Dog Behavior Part Zwei (That's German for two)

I've heard through the grapevine that my fans are getting restless so I'm trying to get on the ball with my new blog. Alex is going through a transition (and apparently that means I'm effected as well, but I guess that's only fair; I mean she did have to put up with some pretty smelly farts coming from me when the doctor recommended I take fish oil pills for my back-ne, but we are so even now) between working and starting grad school. It's working out pretty good for me. She's been REAL busy so I've been chillin' out at my country home. Guess I'm making a transition now back to being a city girl. It's been tough, but I'll pull through. Don't you worry.

Now that I have audience though, I want to make sure you all know that I won't be letting you down. I'm posting soon. Really really soon. Like you might not even read this preview before I post again. BAM-yeah, that just happened.

BUT right now, I've got to go to the dog park. It hasn't reached the height of the summer heat yet today and us fat girls got to go when the goin's good. So peace out for now. I'll be posting soon! Oh and to keep you going, here's a pic of what I'll be looking like in about 20 minutes (15 if Alex would let me have some of her Hot Pocket, but that's neither here nor there...I mean, you gotta pick your battles, right?). So yeah, I'm out~




-Martini



P.S. Thanks, Yvetta, for reminding Alex where her priorities lie. It's a full time job keeping her on track and I appreciate any assistance I can get.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Country Dog Behavior - Part 1: The Journey

Okay, so I know I mentioned that I've got a second home besides my, oops, I mean, our apartment in Austin. Eh, who am I kidding...everyone knows it's mine. I even signed the last rent check! AND if the maintenance guys didn't like when I say hello/howl, we would never have gotten that leak fixed in the bathroom. My charm definitely takes the credit on that one. It's not that people don't like Alex...it just takes people awhile to warm up to her. Quite awhile, in fact. I guess not everyone is blessed by the immediate showering of love and devotion like I am. Poor saps. Must be a tough life. Maybe some day when I'm feeling charitable I'll let them pet me. Nothing crazy, ya know, just a quick pat...hmm it's a thought...nothing to rush into...

What was I saying - oh yeah. My country home! Alex's parents live on about 12 acres in a small town outside of Waco (it will remain nameless so I can guard my identity; you never can be too careful these days, plus I like my privacy) and Alex chauffers me down there every so often. I'm not that fond of the car rides, mind you, but I try to make the trip as enjoyable as I can. We've got a pretty good system worked out. Before we leave, I supervise the placement of the luggage in the car (like so -->) and make sure everything is going to be okay. I always pee before I let Alex pick me up to put me in the car and if nature is really calling (you know what I mean), then I just evade her until I have, ahem, answered. Then we go. It's a process, but it works for us.

I always "go to my side" (a phrase I forgot to put in the Language Barrier post), which is the front passenger seat. Then I hang out until I need something. During the summer, I like to pant in Alex's face to tell her to turn the AC on because it's effing hot. She is fairly accomodating. It helps that I lick my butt before I breath on her.

Other times, if there are other people in the car or if I feel I can maximize the amount of space/attention I can get, I switch it up some. I pretend that I think "go to my side" means go in the back seat. Pisses me off when people hog the seat though. I give them my "Death Stare". It works pretty well. At least with Alex anyway. When I give it to her, she says, "Nuh-uh you're stupid...stop looking at me like that!" and then gives me something to be happy about. I'm not sure if this picture truly relays the furosity of it. Trust me -it's bad. Sorry! Small tangent. Anyways, mostly though, I like to ride shotgun.

During the journey, I can tell when the car is slowing down and when Alex sees that I am aware of this, then she rolls down my window for me so that I am able to sniff the surrounding area. When she isn't paying attention, then I scratch on the window to let her know that I am ready. For the most part, this occurs at stoplights, but there are 2 areas with low enough speed limits that the wind doesn't mess up my beard too much. Otherwise, it would look like this a lot of the time. And obviously, that's not my best look ever.

If you've read "Weed and Windblown", then you know we've had issues with windows before. It only happened that one time, but still...it was a scarring experience as you might have realized. On these trips, she usually doesn't roll the window up until I sit back down to let her know I'm done. Or at least to communicate that we are now going too fast for me to enjoy myself...She REALLY likes going fast...damn that radar detector she got last Christmas. Next time, I'm not going to wag my nub and talk to the highway patrol officer that pulls her over. Nope. She can get out of the ticket on her own. Call me fat...you'd think she would have slowed down some on the insults after I saved her ass from 6 hours of Defensive Driving! The nerve! Whatever. Some lessons have to be learned the hard way I guess. Just don't look for me when you're in a bind again, roomie.

I've also gotten Alex trained pretty well so far to recognize when I want the window cracked, but not down. Here are some tips for all of my peers who have a similar predicament. These might not work for you...as you know, every human is different and learns in their own way. Feel free to try them out.

  • To let Alex know that the window needs to be cracked or go down, I stand up, with my front feet on the door's arm rest and then look back at her over my shoulder. This helps to say, I'm not standing here 'cause I like it...roll down the damn window, stupid. If standing there and blatant staring doesn't work, then I like to reiterate my desire by scratching on the glass. This really irritates Alex because her windows are tinted and could get messed up. Heehee...my bad...

  • If the window is down but I want it cracked, I sit down and then scratch in the general area of the door/window. I'm not too particular as it is mostly for sound effect since Alex is watching the road. Or messing with her iPod. But, yeah, usually watching the road.

  • When I get the feeling we are going to be slowing down sometime in the not so distant future, I like to lean in close to the vents and put my nose right in them. Then, I sniff really loudly so she knows that I'm ready to smell something new. Just a little reminder that I'm here and I'm bored. I've found it helps to make sure that I don't miss a stoplight opportunity.

There are times when Alex has been at work all day and I've been pretty bored or am a little moody that the car trips don't go as smoothly. Admittedly, this could be seen as my fault. However, I firmly stand by my belief that it is just Alex being selfish! I mean, I have been at home all day, waiting for her to come back and hang out with me and then we immediately get in the car?! Come on! I know that I'm going to get plenty of running around when I am doing chores in the country, but can I get a "how was your day"? Is that too much to ask? No, I don't think it is. To show my irritation, I paw at her constantly during the entire car ride. She usually gets frustrated and then I get even more pissy so by the time we arrive, man, is it good to be out of the car!

Well, I've got to go for now, but I will continue my Country Dog Behavior series again shortly. I didn't realize how much there was to say just about the car trip . Until next time...Ciao, baby.

-Martini

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

The Infamous Language Barrier

Most of you with roomies who are of the furry sort know that there is often a language barrier between we four-legged travelers and the tall ones with thumbs. We struggle to converse in the beginning, but manage to stumble upon a few choice phrases that allow the lines of communication to open enough to get by. You know what I'm talking about. Unfortunately, the humans are the ones that generally decide upon the verbage. This post will also be an example of why this accepted truth must be adjusted.

For those of you are not fortunate enough to forge the bond that I have with my roomie, Alex, this post will be a sort of "guide" in case you are to witness the conversations we have. Below, you will find some (but not all...I am a very intelligent Schnauzer) of the sentences, questions and random words that Alex and I use to understand one another. You are welcome to adopt a few of these yourself if you are having a difficult time exchanging information. Or to leave them out of your conversations completely with your roomie. Whatever. Just check it out. Oh also, I'm not going to elaborate on sit, shake, stay or lay down. Those are some we both caught onto fairly quickly. Oh, and I'm leaving out the 'no' command as well. Mainly because I do not like being bossed around.

Outside (v.; can be statement or a question) - Alex says this when she is asking me if I have to pee, poo or would like to enjoy the scenery. I communicate this by scratching on the door.

In the House - This means I am done peeing, pooping or enjoying the scenery.

Ready? (adv.; nearly always a question) - usually said when we are about to leave; however, I would like it known that I usually know that we are going somewhere long before Alex is ready and proceed to stand by the door (she is forgetful sometimes) so that she cannot leave without me and yell at her (a.k.a. bark) to hurry up. Variations include but are not limited to: let's go (applicable for more getting in the car types of situations) and are you going to go? (used to make sure that I do indeed feel like traveling). Photo of me in my snazzy sweater in my car.


Tell me (action/command) - this indicates that Alex wishes for me to "sing for my supper" or perform in some way (which I find incredibly degrading...I mean, I don't ask her to stand on one foot, hop around in circles and say the alphabet backwards simultaneously before grabbing a piece of pizza...oh crap, now she's trying it...watch out for the..! Well, obviously that one was a little too complicated anyway, but you get the idea) before she will give me a 'treat'. I then howl something that could be read like wrooo-wrooo and looks something like this:

Or not...Wow, that is not a good look for me...when was this taken anyway? God, I hate it when she reads over my shoulder. Seriously, get your own blog. ANYWAYS, next we have...

That's not classy - this sentence generally means that I must immediately desist in whatever I am doing because ladies are not subject to that specific sort of behavior (note: I do not have the capability nor the inclination to hock phlegm from my mouth in great distances like some people. I also would not do so on the steps of the state Capitol, Alex, or the national Capitol either!). Examples of this behavior are licking my butt when we have company, sniffing around the garbage cans, rolling in dead things, sniffing crotches. And, no I'm not going to put a picture up of me doing any of these things. Jeez, you perv. I know what you do when company's not there!

Is it time? - indicates that it could in fact be time for supper. Synonyms: Beneful? (a type of dog food I find most delectable); Hungry (the word or spelling of it); What time is it? (Just a little tidbit for the kids...I find that I digest food best when I eat at 6:30 p.m. so I insist Alex provides my meal of cooked white rice with a cup of Beneful at precisely that time).

Where's your toy? - means that Alex is in a playful sort of mood or that she is irritating me for kicks again and thus, I should go get one of the many stuffed animals I have confiscated over the years so that we can play tug. By no means does this phrase indicate that I will fetch something she throws more than 3 times. I cannot emphasize this enought. That's my rule. You threw it, you can get it, jackass. I'm trying to workout my jaw muscles in case Jerry calls and needs me to get a fat guy out of his house again. Yep, that was me last time, but producers showed that mechanical contraption because they knew that the viewers at home wouldn't buy it. Did you? I didn't think so.

Poor puppy (descriptive phrase; must be said in very pathetic and sad tones) - whenever Alex says this to me, it usually means that I am to perform (once again...sigh), but on this occasion, it generally means I am to match the above tones, i.e. look very pathetic and mistreated. I must say I am pretty good at it. I lay my ears back and then look up at the person with "puppy dog" eyes. Gets some every time. LOL Stupid humans. The phrase Uh-Oh is the equivalent of this and if necessary, I can also shake my whole body to show my assumed fear. So, Lassie, you found Timmy in a well? Well, I got out of a bath. I scoff at thee, collie. Scoff. You try to say no to this:

Monster (noun) - During our regular bouts of tug-o-war with my toys, whenever this word is said, I begin to growl like I mean it. It's fairly humorous. Alex has also found that if I do not feel like promoting aggressive behavior at the moment, then she can scratch at my chest while I have the toy in my mouth until I begin to growl. And so, the Monster On Switch was discovered. Here is an example I have provided to remind you not to eff with me.

Eye Boogers (noun) - whenever these two words are said together, I drop whatever I am doing, have in my mouth, etc. and become very still as Alex is about to get the boogers that form in the corners of my eyes out. Customarily (and this is hard for me to admit since I am almost certain most of you will find it disgusting, but hey, I promised myself I would adhere to full disclosure while blogging and if I must disgust, I must), Alex will then give the boogers to me to eat. It works out well for both of us because she doesn't want to wipe them on her clothing or eat them herself and I find them strangely appetizing. Then again, I also like to lick my butt. But not when we have company...that's not classy. :) Don't judge me, bitches because you know that you have secretly eaten your nose boogers, even if you were much younger and I know some of you have fantasized about licking the male genetalia as boy dogs do. So yeah, I like my eye boogers, what of it? You can start something if you want. Just remember...I'm on 'roids. Bring it.

Go See - This means that Alex has noticed someone I know nearby and wants to make sure I also see them. I tend to look around until I see them, as to not exert needless energy by running in the wrong direction and then greet them enthusiastically - if I feel like it. It is kind of her and a sort of trade-off for whenever I bark at those who get to close to the apartment. Who's here is a similar question indicating that I will be happy to see whoever is knocking or just got into my domain (the apartment, my summer house with the grandparents, wherever I happen to be right then). Alex has also been known to speak these words when she finds something that I could possibly make friends with or be interested in smelling. I've trained her so well. :) Unfortunately, Wally the turtle was very shy, but was kind enough to tell me his name. I helped him find his mom and then we parted ways. The least he could have done was show me the inside of his shell...what do they keep in there?

Well, there are lots more, but I gotta go for now. The Spurs are playing and they need me. Plus, my eyes are getting so tired and I need to get my glasses refitted because they keep slipping off my nose. Besides the fact that (Don't look now, Mom!) I've started to double fist to celebrate Tuesday. SO until next time, folks, Martini is OUT. Peace in the Middle East.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

The "I'm so cool and here are the reasons why" Post

Hello again, friends...I know it has been FOREVER since my last blog. I could be lame and blame it on the holidays, but it's not like I wrap the presents or do the shopping so I'm gonna be real with you, fans. I've been freakin's lazy...my bad. Plus, you can't schedule genius. It just has to, like, happen. Therefore, I have been giving myself time to be the witty, funny, fantastically fabulous schnauzer you all know and love. BUT THE WAIT IS OVER! I got motivated watching Letterman the other night when I saw one of his "Top Ten" lists. It was so funny that I nearly choked on my greenie. I have decided to make my own top ten list...and it shall be named: Top 10 Interesting Things that Not Everyone Knows about Me". Here goes!

10) If I was registered, I would have totally voted for Palin because I don't believe in dinosaurs either. I mean, COME ON. Who do those scientist guys think they are fooling? If I wanted, I could arrange some rawhides to look like big scary monsters, too, but I don't waste my time on those. No, siree, Bob (by the way, does anyone know who Bob is? If so, please send me an email or something because this has plagued me for quite some time). I make the world a better place by doing meaningful things. For instance, I always try to poop off the path. See? Told ya.
9) I find overpasses, parking garages and Tom Hanks strangely terrifying and have no idea why. I automatically duck when any of them come into view.

8) "Busy Bones" do NOT keep you busy. Seriously. Whose idea was it to name them that anyways? I can eviserate one of those things in, like, 10 minutes. Okay, so they are the ones for small to medium dogs, but I say bring on the big ones...and not in a dirty way, pervert. Jeez. Get your mind out of the gutter.

7) I can't really fit under Alex's bed. Ever since she got a new frame and stuff, it has been tough for me to wriggle my fat ass under there. She things I leave my butt hanging out because if I can't see you, then I think you can't see me (which, crazily, is also true), but the real reason is because I didn't turn on my side so I could really get under cover. Fortunately, this is a good thing when it comes to bath time. If I DO manage to scootch under there far enough, then when Alex tries to turn me on my side (damn her - knowing my tricks), I can just pooch out my belly and the going gets tough. As in, I'm staying under there until I suck it back in. Mwahaha

6) I had a lesbian experience when I was in college, but whatever. I mean, who hasn't?

5) Before I matured and decided to settle down for awhile, I spent the first part of my life traveling with a carnival. Yep, I said it. I was a carnie. I was the bearded lady in the freak show. So those of you who thought I looked familiar might have known me from this. Truth be told, I did audition for the sword swallowing part, too, but it didn't work out well. Okay, so it wasn't a sword so much as a Swiss army knife and if it wasn't for the damn corkscrew part, I would be out making the big bucks instead of slumming here in Austin with Alex and my other new roommate, Josh. Oh, excuse me, he likes to be called Joshua...well I don't like to be called 'Tini, a-hole, so bite me.

4) I had to go to therapy for my "daddy" issues as some like to call it. Apparently, it stems from growing up in a single parent household and the lack of affection from my mom. I don't blame her, though. I mean, there were lots of mouths to feed and she had to do it all on her own. I'm not even mad at her for getting knocked up. I'd probably be a whore too if I wasn't spayed. It's a tough world out there, ya feel me, dawg? haha I made a funny!

3) When I'm home alone, I try on all my sweaters, put Alex's make-up on (LOVE ME SOME GLITTER!) and dance around to Britney Spears songs. I tend to enjoy more of her old stuff, i.e. "...Baby, One More Time" and "From the Bottom of my Broken Heart".

2) I'm pro death penalty.

1) I'm secretly on steroids. Alex thinks I have allergies and that's why my back breaks out, but it's backne from the 'roids. She also thinks I'm just naturally huge (ha-God love her) because I tower over other girl (and some boy) schnauzers. The other day, I was doing chin ups in the bathroom and nearly got caught when Alex came home for lunch. Talk about close call! Soon as I decide to like water reaching past my legs, I'm heading for the Olympics. Get ready, Phelps, you joint tokin' little bia. I will smoke that ass on the breast stroke. That's right...I said it. BAM. That just happened.

Now, don't you feel better after reading this? I thought so. Smooches!