Thursday, February 5, 2009

The "I'm so cool and here are the reasons why" Post

Hello again, friends...I know it has been FOREVER since my last blog. I could be lame and blame it on the holidays, but it's not like I wrap the presents or do the shopping so I'm gonna be real with you, fans. I've been freakin's bad. Plus, you can't schedule genius. It just has to, like, happen. Therefore, I have been giving myself time to be the witty, funny, fantastically fabulous schnauzer you all know and love. BUT THE WAIT IS OVER! I got motivated watching Letterman the other night when I saw one of his "Top Ten" lists. It was so funny that I nearly choked on my greenie. I have decided to make my own top ten list...and it shall be named: Top 10 Interesting Things that Not Everyone Knows about Me". Here goes!

10) If I was registered, I would have totally voted for Palin because I don't believe in dinosaurs either. I mean, COME ON. Who do those scientist guys think they are fooling? If I wanted, I could arrange some rawhides to look like big scary monsters, too, but I don't waste my time on those. No, siree, Bob (by the way, does anyone know who Bob is? If so, please send me an email or something because this has plagued me for quite some time). I make the world a better place by doing meaningful things. For instance, I always try to poop off the path. See? Told ya.
9) I find overpasses, parking garages and Tom Hanks strangely terrifying and have no idea why. I automatically duck when any of them come into view.

8) "Busy Bones" do NOT keep you busy. Seriously. Whose idea was it to name them that anyways? I can eviserate one of those things in, like, 10 minutes. Okay, so they are the ones for small to medium dogs, but I say bring on the big ones...and not in a dirty way, pervert. Jeez. Get your mind out of the gutter.

7) I can't really fit under Alex's bed. Ever since she got a new frame and stuff, it has been tough for me to wriggle my fat ass under there. She things I leave my butt hanging out because if I can't see you, then I think you can't see me (which, crazily, is also true), but the real reason is because I didn't turn on my side so I could really get under cover. Fortunately, this is a good thing when it comes to bath time. If I DO manage to scootch under there far enough, then when Alex tries to turn me on my side (damn her - knowing my tricks), I can just pooch out my belly and the going gets tough. As in, I'm staying under there until I suck it back in. Mwahaha

6) I had a lesbian experience when I was in college, but whatever. I mean, who hasn't?

5) Before I matured and decided to settle down for awhile, I spent the first part of my life traveling with a carnival. Yep, I said it. I was a carnie. I was the bearded lady in the freak show. So those of you who thought I looked familiar might have known me from this. Truth be told, I did audition for the sword swallowing part, too, but it didn't work out well. Okay, so it wasn't a sword so much as a Swiss army knife and if it wasn't for the damn corkscrew part, I would be out making the big bucks instead of slumming here in Austin with Alex and my other new roommate, Josh. Oh, excuse me, he likes to be called Joshua...well I don't like to be called 'Tini, a-hole, so bite me.

4) I had to go to therapy for my "daddy" issues as some like to call it. Apparently, it stems from growing up in a single parent household and the lack of affection from my mom. I don't blame her, though. I mean, there were lots of mouths to feed and she had to do it all on her own. I'm not even mad at her for getting knocked up. I'd probably be a whore too if I wasn't spayed. It's a tough world out there, ya feel me, dawg? haha I made a funny!

3) When I'm home alone, I try on all my sweaters, put Alex's make-up on (LOVE ME SOME GLITTER!) and dance around to Britney Spears songs. I tend to enjoy more of her old stuff, i.e. "...Baby, One More Time" and "From the Bottom of my Broken Heart".

2) I'm pro death penalty.

1) I'm secretly on steroids. Alex thinks I have allergies and that's why my back breaks out, but it's backne from the 'roids. She also thinks I'm just naturally huge (ha-God love her) because I tower over other girl (and some boy) schnauzers. The other day, I was doing chin ups in the bathroom and nearly got caught when Alex came home for lunch. Talk about close call! Soon as I decide to like water reaching past my legs, I'm heading for the Olympics. Get ready, Phelps, you joint tokin' little bia. I will smoke that ass on the breast stroke. That's right...I said it. BAM. That just happened.

Now, don't you feel better after reading this? I thought so. Smooches!