Tuesday, April 28, 2009

The Infamous Language Barrier

Most of you with roomies who are of the furry sort know that there is often a language barrier between we four-legged travelers and the tall ones with thumbs. We struggle to converse in the beginning, but manage to stumble upon a few choice phrases that allow the lines of communication to open enough to get by. You know what I'm talking about. Unfortunately, the humans are the ones that generally decide upon the verbage. This post will also be an example of why this accepted truth must be adjusted.

For those of you are not fortunate enough to forge the bond that I have with my roomie, Alex, this post will be a sort of "guide" in case you are to witness the conversations we have. Below, you will find some (but not all...I am a very intelligent Schnauzer) of the sentences, questions and random words that Alex and I use to understand one another. You are welcome to adopt a few of these yourself if you are having a difficult time exchanging information. Or to leave them out of your conversations completely with your roomie. Whatever. Just check it out. Oh also, I'm not going to elaborate on sit, shake, stay or lay down. Those are some we both caught onto fairly quickly. Oh, and I'm leaving out the 'no' command as well. Mainly because I do not like being bossed around.

Outside (v.; can be statement or a question) - Alex says this when she is asking me if I have to pee, poo or would like to enjoy the scenery. I communicate this by scratching on the door.

In the House - This means I am done peeing, pooping or enjoying the scenery.

Ready? (adv.; nearly always a question) - usually said when we are about to leave; however, I would like it known that I usually know that we are going somewhere long before Alex is ready and proceed to stand by the door (she is forgetful sometimes) so that she cannot leave without me and yell at her (a.k.a. bark) to hurry up. Variations include but are not limited to: let's go (applicable for more getting in the car types of situations) and are you going to go? (used to make sure that I do indeed feel like traveling). Photo of me in my snazzy sweater in my car.


Tell me (action/command) - this indicates that Alex wishes for me to "sing for my supper" or perform in some way (which I find incredibly degrading...I mean, I don't ask her to stand on one foot, hop around in circles and say the alphabet backwards simultaneously before grabbing a piece of pizza...oh crap, now she's trying it...watch out for the..! Well, obviously that one was a little too complicated anyway, but you get the idea) before she will give me a 'treat'. I then howl something that could be read like wrooo-wrooo and looks something like this:

Or not...Wow, that is not a good look for me...when was this taken anyway? God, I hate it when she reads over my shoulder. Seriously, get your own blog. ANYWAYS, next we have...

That's not classy - this sentence generally means that I must immediately desist in whatever I am doing because ladies are not subject to that specific sort of behavior (note: I do not have the capability nor the inclination to hock phlegm from my mouth in great distances like some people. I also would not do so on the steps of the state Capitol, Alex, or the national Capitol either!). Examples of this behavior are licking my butt when we have company, sniffing around the garbage cans, rolling in dead things, sniffing crotches. And, no I'm not going to put a picture up of me doing any of these things. Jeez, you perv. I know what you do when company's not there!

Is it time? - indicates that it could in fact be time for supper. Synonyms: Beneful? (a type of dog food I find most delectable); Hungry (the word or spelling of it); What time is it? (Just a little tidbit for the kids...I find that I digest food best when I eat at 6:30 p.m. so I insist Alex provides my meal of cooked white rice with a cup of Beneful at precisely that time).

Where's your toy? - means that Alex is in a playful sort of mood or that she is irritating me for kicks again and thus, I should go get one of the many stuffed animals I have confiscated over the years so that we can play tug. By no means does this phrase indicate that I will fetch something she throws more than 3 times. I cannot emphasize this enought. That's my rule. You threw it, you can get it, jackass. I'm trying to workout my jaw muscles in case Jerry calls and needs me to get a fat guy out of his house again. Yep, that was me last time, but producers showed that mechanical contraption because they knew that the viewers at home wouldn't buy it. Did you? I didn't think so.

Poor puppy (descriptive phrase; must be said in very pathetic and sad tones) - whenever Alex says this to me, it usually means that I am to perform (once again...sigh), but on this occasion, it generally means I am to match the above tones, i.e. look very pathetic and mistreated. I must say I am pretty good at it. I lay my ears back and then look up at the person with "puppy dog" eyes. Gets some every time. LOL Stupid humans. The phrase Uh-Oh is the equivalent of this and if necessary, I can also shake my whole body to show my assumed fear. So, Lassie, you found Timmy in a well? Well, I got out of a bath. I scoff at thee, collie. Scoff. You try to say no to this:

Monster (noun) - During our regular bouts of tug-o-war with my toys, whenever this word is said, I begin to growl like I mean it. It's fairly humorous. Alex has also found that if I do not feel like promoting aggressive behavior at the moment, then she can scratch at my chest while I have the toy in my mouth until I begin to growl. And so, the Monster On Switch was discovered. Here is an example I have provided to remind you not to eff with me.

Eye Boogers (noun) - whenever these two words are said together, I drop whatever I am doing, have in my mouth, etc. and become very still as Alex is about to get the boogers that form in the corners of my eyes out. Customarily (and this is hard for me to admit since I am almost certain most of you will find it disgusting, but hey, I promised myself I would adhere to full disclosure while blogging and if I must disgust, I must), Alex will then give the boogers to me to eat. It works out well for both of us because she doesn't want to wipe them on her clothing or eat them herself and I find them strangely appetizing. Then again, I also like to lick my butt. But not when we have company...that's not classy. :) Don't judge me, bitches because you know that you have secretly eaten your nose boogers, even if you were much younger and I know some of you have fantasized about licking the male genetalia as boy dogs do. So yeah, I like my eye boogers, what of it? You can start something if you want. Just remember...I'm on 'roids. Bring it.

Go See - This means that Alex has noticed someone I know nearby and wants to make sure I also see them. I tend to look around until I see them, as to not exert needless energy by running in the wrong direction and then greet them enthusiastically - if I feel like it. It is kind of her and a sort of trade-off for whenever I bark at those who get to close to the apartment. Who's here is a similar question indicating that I will be happy to see whoever is knocking or just got into my domain (the apartment, my summer house with the grandparents, wherever I happen to be right then). Alex has also been known to speak these words when she finds something that I could possibly make friends with or be interested in smelling. I've trained her so well. :) Unfortunately, Wally the turtle was very shy, but was kind enough to tell me his name. I helped him find his mom and then we parted ways. The least he could have done was show me the inside of his shell...what do they keep in there?

Well, there are lots more, but I gotta go for now. The Spurs are playing and they need me. Plus, my eyes are getting so tired and I need to get my glasses refitted because they keep slipping off my nose. Besides the fact that (Don't look now, Mom!) I've started to double fist to celebrate Tuesday. SO until next time, folks, Martini is OUT. Peace in the Middle East.