The Adventures of Martini, the Mini Schnauzer

Oh I almost forgot...

2010-02-04T10:09:00.002-06:00

Since we (I mean my roomie, Alex and me) have just started back to school AND we're taking 3 classes this semester (which is a little hard for Alex...her mom drank with her or something) AND my upstairs neighbors are insane a-holes, it might be awhile before I get to post again. I've been brainstorming though...I saw that movie with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman called "The Bucket List" the other night.

Isn't Jack Nicholson awesome? I think we would be the best friends EVER! We have so much in common. He can pull off a beard, I've got a beard and c'mon, do I even have to say it? This just works (please see directly below). He likes dating young girls and I totally dig his style. I'm thinking about trading Alex in for a younger model...either that or getting my ear pierced. Roller blading in some spandex isn't sounding so bad either.

Anyways, I was really inspired and maybe my next post will have something to do with my bucket list. Especially since all this Jack Nick talk has gotten me thinking that maybe I'm hitting a mid-life crisis too. There's lots of stuff I gotta do, ya know? People will remember me in a big way. Already when we're walking everyone knows my name and not Alex's. I've always got to re-introduce her.

Oh and by the way, who's got an 'in' with whoever is causing this rain? For some sun, I will teach you my milkshake for free. :) Speaking of the weather, I hope that everyone is stocked up on Greenies and Busy Bones over in Haiti. Man, the weather-makers have got to find another way to release some of that anger. Next time, just a take a page from my book and listen to that Miley Cyrus song "Party in the U.S.A." Nobody wants another disaster like that. Next thing you know, all of the leash free dog parks in Austin are going to be gone. Then what am I supposed to do to entertain Alex, huh? She drives me crazy when she's cooped up for this long. She acts so annoying that I barely trust her on the roads! I have to go everywhere with her and wait in the car so she will remember that just because she's getting out of the house for a little while does not mean she needs to hang out in Walgreens all day. She bought like 20 birthday cards the other day! I'm not joking! Okay, yeah the one with the pickle was funny, but damn! Can a girl get some Dingos? She should have at least picked something up for me. God, she's so selfish sometimes...

Anyways, Alex is not the best at using her blinker so I have to remind her. That's in addition to calming her down. She gets road rage because (in her word) "Apparently nobody knows how to frickin' drive when it rains! Stupid people!" Woo-sah, I say (Thanks again, Jackie boy!). I just try to stay calm and be supportive. You know, let her know I'm here for her and stuff.

MY POINT IS, if it's raining and I've got to accompany Miss Alex everywhere so she doesn't kill herself (or someone else...came pretty close to taking out a white lady in a BMW yesterday, but in her defense, that stupid soccer mom did cut her off), then I don't get my required 12 hours of sleep that might as well be doctor's orders because Lord knows I'm a pain in the ass if I don't. Sigh so yeah, we could use some sun. Thanks.

Also, if anyone has any subject ideas for blog posts, I'm open to suggestions! We've got a research paper coming up soon so I'm not sure if my creative juices will be flowing enough to have a butt-load of topic selections for that AND the blog. Besides, I bet there are things you want to know about me. Here's your chance to find out! Just to cut some of you off ahead of time, no, I don't like to talk about the time I ran full speed into the sliding glass door. Jeez, one 10-minute sneezing fit and no one lets it go...

Gots to go for now. I'm sure I'll catch up with ya sooner or later. Going to try for a nap as it's her turn to do the assigned reading.

Stay cool,

Martini the Magnificent

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard...

2010-02-04T09:23:00.005-06:00

Remember that one time, when I said that I had the best idea ever and everyone should pee before they look at it and I was really excited? Well, the WAIT IS OVER!

I would recommend playing it twice...otherwise you might miss some AWESOME pics of me where I did the zoom thingy cool and look even better (I know, right? I mean, who knew that was even possible!). Enjoy!!!

GET EXCITED

2010-01-07T17:07:00.000-06:00

Wow, I was just looking over my last few posts and I can't believe that I have been doing this since October of 2008! Insane! I feel like I have matured quite a bit (especially with my vocabulary) and I hope all of you have grown with me. I do feel like I need to try a new look though...here's one of the options I'm considering:

Yeah, you're right. Wouldn't really be good for my lifestyle. I mean, seems pretty high maintenance and that's not how I like to roll, ya feel me? Two good stretches and a shake and bring on the day, homie. Damn. Sorry bout the ebonics...Alex has been listening to Jay-Z again. It nearly makes me wish she was still going through her Taylor Swift phase. lol I totally lied when I promised I'd never tell anyone that! Sigh that human...she's such an idiot sometimes.

BUT that is not the real reason I'm writing. I've just had THE BEST IDEA EVER. Seriously. You're going to lose control of your bladder (or worse) when you see this shit (<-- that would be the worse). It's effing sweet.

So grab a poop bag before you check out my next post. It's going to be that friggin' awesome. You know how sometimes people build stuff up and then you see it and are disappointed? Well this is totally not like that. Swear on my stack of Greenie coupons. Toodles~

Martini

P.S. Woo-woo, bias.

Country Dog Behavior - Part Zwei: The Welcome and the Good Life

2009-09-25T11:55:00.003-05:00

NOTE 1: This blog was originally posted on September 25th, but I finally got a picture of Stinky when I was forced to go into my "stealth ninja" mode. Tee-hee. She never even knew I was there...

NOTE 2: For the purposes of simplicity, I will refer to Alex's parents as Mom and Dad for the remainder of this post. Thank you.

Well, HELLLLOOO everyone! Yes, I am back! Now, let's get right down to business because I know you've all been eagerly awaiting with bated breath (yep, Alex isn't the only one getting smarter by going back to school! I've been sleeping in the office by the dictionary...apparently learning by osmosis really works...who knew!) about what exactly differs in my behavior when I visit the country. Now, now...don't go assuming that my awesomeness doesn't transfer cause it sure as hell does! Baby, this awesome used to only speak German! I got multilingual awesome. Learn it, live it, love it. Okay, now where were we....ah yes! Country Dog Behavior - Part 2: The Welcome and

(FYI: that stupid effing shirt says "...the good life". I hate it but thought you might like seeing me humiliated. Enjoy cause there's no more freebies.)

As we have already established, by the time we turn into the little neighborhood that Alex's parents live in (and yes, it is actually in the country...they have 12 acres and deer!), both me and my roomie are SOOOO ready to get out of the car. If Alex's off key singing or her phone conversations are boring me or she doesn't need my help getting out a ticket, then I like to nap to prepare for my welcome. When we start getting close though, Alex feels like she needs to ask me "Are we nearly there?" in a really annoying voice. I mean, c'mon. I never figured out how to work that TeleNav crap on her Blackberry and besides, haven't we been here enough that you know where you used to live?! God, I can't imagine how lost this chick was before I adopted her. Jeez! You're the one with the steering wheel for crying out loud, ya know what I mean? Let me have it if you can't handle it. Moving on...

Of course, when we are going down the driveway (which I will elaborate on later), my window must be rolled down. I whine and bark a little to let my roomie know this is the right house (the idiot) and when we pull up, Alex knows not to even try to take her seatbelt off or turn off the engine because I am getting out. Whichever one of the big dogs, Frankie or Pedro, is out comes up to the car door and I have to tell him what's up so he'll quit trying to drool on me (men, right?). Queen Bee is back, bitch (or whatever the other word is that means a male dog instead of female). Then if it's Frankie, he's kind of like the trumpet that you hear before the king or queen walks and he barks to let everyone know I'm coming. Pedro just pees on the tires. Then it is straight to the back door (not the garage one- it's scary!) to see Mom and Dad. Sometimes Alex makes me so proud...I mean, she doesn't even try to get my bags out of the car before she opens the house door for me. It's just so great when all of your hard work pays off, ya know? Sigh. She really is a smart kid sometimes.

Anyways, I walk in and let them know I'm here (if they didn't hear Frankie's announcement). They both come running to the door (or they should at least) and I tell them about my day and how horrible the drive was and how good it is see them and have you lost weight, Mom? You know, the usual convos. Pretty standard.

Now, what time of night or day we arrive determines which important duties I must fulfill shortly after arrival. I'm not even sure how they function without me. Lord only knows the chaotic mess that ensues without my iron paw ruling (God, I'm articulate). Since most of the time it's in the evenings, we'll start there and work our way back to the night after that. Before we get into it though, I'd like to discuss a few things that I really like about the country.

I don't have to see Alex if I don't want to while I'm there!

I don't have to entertain Alex all the time myself. I'm sure you understand what I mean...everyone likes to mix things up from time to time and I'm no exception. I guess I like when she chases me, but it's fun when other people do it too. Not to mention the way Mom handles that duck toy! Man! She makes sure that she doesn't pull my beard during tug-o-war AND that I get control of the squeaky part! That's right, folks. Life doesn't get much better than that.

No one picks up my poop. Okay, you know you think its weird too! I mean, when I even start to think about doing my little preparation waddle (or my "poop walk" if you are tacky, Alex), then my roomie is putting on that dark green mitt and making sure she has a clear view of where it falls. I don't even go in the bathroom when she has to go! I experience a freedom in the country that only a lucky few will ever know. No one knows where I go #2 at, but it's not in the yard!

No one tells me to be quiet. Yeah right, the neighbors, yada-yada. Whatever. You're just pissed cause I saw that girl and her scrawny mutt first.

CATS! Mama Kitty is the oldest. She has only had one-count 'em-ONE litter of kittens ever but goes by the name anyways. Think it's because she's the oldest. We go way back (that's her and Dad with me in the first pic). The other one is Stinky...aptly (another good word, right) named because she used to not know how to clean herself and reaked to high countertops (which I estimate are about as high as Heaven and could even be Heaven with all of the food that gets placed on them). I mean, I know it's not classy to lick yourself in public, but damn, girl. Your butt stinks...do something about that. Maybe then you wouldn't get put outside at night. Think it through. Stinky also lays in really strange positions all over the place and likes to get in the way. That's her taking up all the friggin' room on the living room couch. She should just be thankful that I prefer Mom's chair...yeah, cause otherwise we'd have a problem on our paws which I would not mind dealing with - let me tell you! And by deal with, I mean chase her until I get close and then avoid eye contact while simultaneously barking and furiously waggling my nub. That's right...every action has consequences and sometimes that means facing my wrath. Anyways, those felines are just too damn chase-able for their own good.

Dad. Now there's a man that really knows how to treat the ladies. I knew I liked him when I first saw him. We have a really special relationship. He always makes sure that I'm taken care of. Like, whenever Mom and Dad are busy that day or have to go out, then he leaves Animal Planet on for me. In both the game room and the living room because he knows that my security details require rotation. The windows have very different views, as you can see here, and allow me to scan the horizon and protect the house while they're out. AND, if I haven't gotten to get out of the house, then we go for a ride in his truck to town (he leaves the window down the whole time) and stop by Bush's Chicken, where I get my own cup of ice and he feeds it to me on the way home. He's the greatest. Here are my posts. The one on the left is the living room and the right is the game room.

Whew, I didn't realize how much stuff there is to tell you! I think this post is going to have to hold you for awhile. Apparently this 'Country Dog Behavior' is going to be longer than the Godfathers. Hopefully the third installment doesn't blow though like that one did. You know it did, DeNiro. Don't be mad at me, Bobby. I don't make the rules. Anyways, I've gotta jet. I like to get in bed by at least 11 so I can get Alex up for the dog park or Greenbelt before class. Lazy killed the cow (you know...like curiousity killed the cat?). Thanks to Preslee for making that statement once. And yes, Alex, that was a fat joke directed at you. Bite me.

And as you can see I'm getting cranky. BUT before I go, Congrats to Mister Olive for winning Best Schnauzer in the Austin American Statesman Readers Poll. Pretty awesome, but ya know, I didn't enter because Alex never gets me groomed. Or because I hate to bathe...probably one of those. Whatever. Way to represent, Olive!

One more thing, everyone please keep Zack in your thoughts as he recovers from surgery. And, Zack, if you have names, hun, you get those to me when you can. I know pitbulls with anger issues. We'll handle it.

To keep you happy, I'll leave you with this little video. I call it "Nub Wagglin' Goodness". If that doesn't cheer up your day, then you are probably not the audience I'm trying to reach. Go look at some news website. We don't need your kind here.

Until next time...
Martini

COMING SOON! Country Dog Behavior Part Zwei (That's German for two)

2009-08-12T11:59:00.002-05:00

I've heard through the grapevine that my fans are getting restless so I'm trying to get on the ball with my new blog. Alex is going through a transition (and apparently that means I'm effected as well, but I guess that's only fair; I mean she did have to put up with some pretty smelly farts coming from me when the doctor recommended I take fish oil pills for my back-ne, but we are so even now) between working and starting grad school. It's working out pretty good for me. She's been REAL busy so I've been chillin' out at my country home. Guess I'm making a transition now back to being a city girl. It's been tough, but I'll pull through. Don't you worry.

Now that I have audience though, I want to make sure you all know that I won't be letting you down. I'm posting soon. Really really soon. Like you might not even read this preview before I post again. BAM-yeah, that just happened.

BUT right now, I've got to go to the dog park. It hasn't reached the height of the summer heat yet today and us fat girls got to go when the goin's good. So peace out for now. I'll be posting soon! Oh and to keep you going, here's a pic of what I'll be looking like in about 20 minutes (15 if Alex would let me have some of her Hot Pocket, but that's neither here nor there...I mean, you gotta pick your battles, right?). So yeah, I'm out~

-Martini

P.S. Thanks, Yvetta, for reminding Alex where her priorities lie. It's a full time job keeping her on track and I appreciate any assistance I can get.

Country Dog Behavior - Part 1: The Journey

2009-06-09T12:20:00.006-05:00

Okay, so I know I mentioned that I've got a second home besides my, oops, I mean, our apartment in Austin. Eh, who am I kidding...everyone knows it's mine. I even signed the last rent check! AND if the maintenance guys didn't like when I say hello/howl, we would never have gotten that leak fixed in the bathroom. My charm definitely takes the credit on that one. It's not that people don't like Alex...it just takes people awhile to warm up to her. Quite awhile, in fact. I guess not everyone is blessed by the immediate showering of love and devotion like I am. Poor saps. Must be a tough life. Maybe some day when I'm feeling charitable I'll let them pet me. Nothing crazy, ya know, just a quick pat...hmm it's a thought...nothing to rush into...

What was I saying - oh yeah. My country home! Alex's parents live on about 12 acres in a small town outside of Waco (it will remain nameless so I can guard my identity; you never can be too careful these days, plus I like my privacy) and Alex chauffers me down there every so often. I'm not that fond of the car rides, mind you, but I try to make the trip as enjoyable as I can. We've got a pretty good system worked out. Before we leave, I supervise the placement of the luggage in the car (like so -->) and make sure everything is going to be okay. I always pee before I let Alex pick me up to put me in the car and if nature is really calling (you know what I mean), then I just evade her until I have, ahem, answered. Then we go. It's a process, but it works for us.

I always "go to my side" (a phrase I forgot to put in the Language Barrier post), which is the front passenger seat. Then I hang out until I need something. During the summer, I like to pant in Alex's face to tell her to turn the AC on because it's effing hot. She is fairly accomodating. It helps that I lick my butt before I breath on her.

Other times, if there are other people in the car or if I feel I can maximize the amount of space/attention I can get, I switch it up some. I pretend that I think "go to my side" means go in the back seat. Pisses me off when people hog the seat though. I give them my "Death Stare". It works pretty well. At least with Alex anyway. When I give it to her, she says, "Nuh-uh you're stupid...stop looking at me like that!" and then gives me something to be happy about. I'm not sure if this picture truly relays the furosity of it. Trust me -it's bad. Sorry! Small tangent. Anyways, mostly though, I like to ride shotgun.

During the journey, I can tell when the car is slowing down and when Alex sees that I am aware of this, then she rolls down my window for me so that I am able to sniff the surrounding area. When she isn't paying attention, then I scratch on the window to let her know that I am ready. For the most part, this occurs at stoplights, but there are 2 areas with low enough speed limits that the wind doesn't mess up my beard too much. Otherwise, it would look like this a lot of the time. And obviously, that's not my best look ever.

If you've read "Weed and Windblown", then you know we've had issues with windows before. It only happened that one time, but still...it was a scarring experience as you might have realized. On these trips, she usually doesn't roll the window up until I sit back down to let her know I'm done. Or at least to communicate that we are now going too fast for me to enjoy myself...She REALLY likes going fast...damn that radar detector she got last Christmas. Next time, I'm not going to wag my nub and talk to the highway patrol officer that pulls her over. Nope. She can get out of the ticket on her own. Call me fat...you'd think she would have slowed down some on the insults after I saved her ass from 6 hours of Defensive Driving! The nerve! Whatever. Some lessons have to be learned the hard way I guess. Just don't look for me when you're in a bind again, roomie.

I've also gotten Alex trained pretty well so far to recognize when I want the window cracked, but not down. Here are some tips for all of my peers who have a similar predicament. These might not work for you...as you know, every human is different and learns in their own way. Feel free to try them out.

To let Alex know that the window needs to be cracked or go down, I stand up, with my front feet on the door's arm rest and then look back at her over my shoulder. This helps to say, I'm not standing here 'cause I like it...roll down the damn window, stupid. If standing there and blatant staring doesn't work, then I like to reiterate my desire by scratching on the glass. This really irritates Alex because her windows are tinted and could get messed up. Heehee...my bad...

If the window is down but I want it cracked, I sit down and then scratch in the general area of the door/window. I'm not too particular as it is mostly for sound effect since Alex is watching the road. Or messing with her iPod. But, yeah, usually watching the road.

When I get the feeling we are going to be slowing down sometime in the not so distant future, I like to lean in close to the vents and put my nose right in them. Then, I sniff really loudly so she knows that I'm ready to smell something new. Just a little reminder that I'm here and I'm bored. I've found it helps to make sure that I don't miss a stoplight opportunity.

There are times when Alex has been at work all day and I've been pretty bored or am a little moody that the car trips don't go as smoothly. Admittedly, this could be seen as my fault. However, I firmly stand by my belief that it is just Alex being selfish! I mean, I have been at home all day, waiting for her to come back and hang out with me and then we immediately get in the car?! Come on! I know that I'm going to get plenty of running around when I am doing chores in the country, but can I get a "how was your day"? Is that too much to ask? No, I don't think it is. To show my irritation, I paw at her constantly during the entire car ride. She usually gets frustrated and then I get even more pissy so by the time we arrive, man, is it good to be out of the car!

Well, I've got to go for now, but I will continue my Country Dog Behavior series again shortly. I didn't realize how much there was to say just about the car trip . Until next time...Ciao, baby.

-Martini

The Infamous Language Barrier

2009-04-28T19:25:00.002-05:00

Most of you with roomies who are of the furry sort know that there is often a language barrier between we four-legged travelers and the tall ones with thumbs. We struggle to converse in the beginning, but manage to stumble upon a few choice phrases that allow the lines of communication to open enough to get by. You know what I'm talking about. Unfortunately, the humans are the ones that generally decide upon the verbage. This post will also be an example of why this accepted truth must be adjusted.

For those of you are not fortunate enough to forge the bond that I have with my roomie, Alex, this post will be a sort of "guide" in case you are to witness the conversations we have. Below, you will find some (but not all...I am a very intelligent Schnauzer) of the sentences, questions and random words that Alex and I use to understand one another. You are welcome to adopt a few of these yourself if you are having a difficult time exchanging information. Or to leave them out of your conversations completely with your roomie. Whatever. Just check it out. Oh also, I'm not going to elaborate on sit, shake, stay or lay down. Those are some we both caught onto fairly quickly. Oh, and I'm leaving out the 'no' command as well. Mainly because I do not like being bossed around.

Outside (v.; can be statement or a question) - Alex says this when she is asking me if I have to pee, poo or would like to enjoy the scenery. I communicate this by scratching on the door.

In the House - This means I am done peeing, pooping or enjoying the scenery.

Ready? (adv.; nearly always a question) - usually said when we are about to leave; however, I would like it known that I usually know that we are going somewhere long before Alex is ready and proceed to stand by the door (she is forgetful sometimes) so that she cannot leave without me and yell at her (a.k.a. bark) to hurry up. Variations include but are not limited to: let's go (applicable for more getting in the car types of situations) and are you going to go? (used to make sure that I do indeed feel like traveling). Photo of me in my snazzy sweater in my car.

Tell me (action/command) - this indicates that Alex wishes for me to "sing for my supper" or perform in some way (which I find incredibly degrading...I mean, I don't ask her to stand on one foot, hop around in circles and say the alphabet backwards simultaneously before grabbing a piece of pizza...oh crap, now she's trying it...watch out for the..! Well, obviously that one was a little too complicated anyway, but you get the idea) before she will give me a 'treat'. I then howl something that could be read like wrooo-wrooo and looks something like this:

Or not...Wow, that is not a good look for me...when was this taken anyway? God, I hate it when she reads over my shoulder. Seriously, get your own blog. ANYWAYS, next we have...

That's not classy - this sentence generally means that I must immediately desist in whatever I am doing because ladies are not subject to that specific sort of behavior (note: I do not have the capability nor the inclination to hock phlegm from my mouth in great distances like some people. I also would not do so on the steps of the state Capitol, Alex, or the national Capitol either!). Examples of this behavior are licking my butt when we have company, sniffing around the garbage cans, rolling in dead things, sniffing crotches. And, no I'm not going to put a picture up of me doing any of these things. Jeez, you perv. I know what you do when company's not there!

Is it time? - indicates that it could in fact be time for supper. Synonyms: Beneful? (a type of dog food I find most delectable); Hungry (the word or spelling of it); What time is it? (Just a little tidbit for the kids...I find that I digest food best when I eat at 6:30 p.m. so I insist Alex provides my meal of cooked white rice with a cup of Beneful at precisely that time).

Where's your toy? - means that Alex is in a playful sort of mood or that she is irritating me for kicks again and thus, I should go get one of the many stuffed animals I have confiscated over the years so that we can play tug. By no means does this phrase indicate that I will fetch something she throws more than 3 times. I cannot emphasize this enought. That's my rule. You threw it, you can get it, jackass. I'm trying to workout my jaw muscles in case Jerry calls and needs me to get a fat guy out of his house again. Yep, that was me last time, but producers showed that mechanical contraption because they knew that the viewers at home wouldn't buy it. Did you? I didn't think so.

Poor puppy (descriptive phrase; must be said in very pathetic and sad tones) - whenever Alex says this to me, it usually means that I am to perform (once again...sigh), but on this occasion, it generally means I am to match the above tones, i.e. look very pathetic and mistreated. I must say I am pretty good at it. I lay my ears back and then look up at the person with "puppy dog" eyes. Gets some every time. LOL Stupid humans. The phrase Uh-Oh is the equivalent of this and if necessary, I can also shake my whole body to show my assumed fear. So, Lassie, you found Timmy in a well? Well, I got out of a bath. I scoff at thee, collie. Scoff. You try to say no to this:

Monster (noun) - During our regular bouts of tug-o-war with my toys, whenever this word is said, I begin to growl like I mean it. It's fairly humorous. Alex has also found that if I do not feel like promoting aggressive behavior at the moment, then she can scratch at my chest while I have the toy in my mouth until I begin to growl. And so, the Monster On Switch was discovered. Here is an example I have provided to remind you not to eff with me.

Eye Boogers (noun) - whenever these two words are said together, I drop whatever I am doing, have in my mouth, etc. and become very still as Alex is about to get the boogers that form in the corners of my eyes out. Customarily (and this is hard for me to admit since I am almost certain most of you will find it disgusting, but hey, I promised myself I would adhere to full disclosure while blogging and if I must disgust, I must), Alex will then give the boogers to me to eat. It works out well for both of us because she doesn't want to wipe them on her clothing or eat them herself and I find them strangely appetizing. Then again, I also like to lick my butt. But not when we have company...that's not classy. :) Don't judge me, bitches because you know that you have secretly eaten your nose boogers, even if you were much younger and I know some of you have fantasized about licking the male genetalia as boy dogs do. So yeah, I like my eye boogers, what of it? You can start something if you want. Just remember...I'm on 'roids. Bring it.

Go See - This means that Alex has noticed someone I know nearby and wants to make sure I also see them. I tend to look around until I see them, as to not exert needless energy by running in the wrong direction and then greet them enthusiastically - if I feel like it. It is kind of her and a sort of trade-off for whenever I bark at those who get to close to the apartment. Who's here is a similar question indicating that I will be happy to see whoever is knocking or just got into my domain (the apartment, my summer house with the grandparents, wherever I happen to be right then). Alex has also been known to speak these words when she finds something that I could possibly make friends with or be interested in smelling. I've trained her so well. :) Unfortunately, Wally the turtle was very shy, but was kind enough to tell me his name. I helped him find his mom and then we parted ways. The least he could have done was show me the inside of his shell...what do they keep in there?

Well, there are lots more, but I gotta go for now. The Spurs are playing and they need me. Plus, my eyes are getting so tired and I need to get my glasses refitted because they keep slipping off my nose. Besides the fact that (Don't look now, Mom!) I've started to double fist to celebrate Tuesday. SO until next time, folks, Martini is OUT. Peace in the Middle East.

The "I'm so cool and here are the reasons why" Post

2009-02-05T17:34:00.000-06:00

Hello again, friends...I know it has been FOREVER since my last blog. I could be lame and blame it on the holidays, but it's not like I wrap the presents or do the shopping so I'm gonna be real with you, fans. I've been freakin's lazy...my bad. Plus, you can't schedule genius. It just has to, like, happen. Therefore, I have been giving myself time to be the witty, funny, fantastically fabulous schnauzer you all know and love. BUT THE WAIT IS OVER! I got motivated watching Letterman the other night when I saw one of his "Top Ten" lists. It was so funny that I nearly choked on my greenie. I have decided to make my own top ten list...and it shall be named: Top 10 Interesting Things that Not Everyone Knows about Me". Here goes!

10) If I was registered, I would have totally voted for Palin because I don't believe in dinosaurs either. I mean, COME ON. Who do those scientist guys think they are fooling? If I wanted, I could arrange some rawhides to look like big scary monsters, too, but I don't waste my time on those. No, siree, Bob (by the way, does anyone know who Bob is? If so, please send me an email or something because this has plagued me for quite some time). I make the world a better place by doing meaningful things. For instance, I always try to poop off the path. See? Told ya.
9) I find overpasses, parking garages and Tom Hanks strangely terrifying and have no idea why. I automatically duck when any of them come into view.

8) "Busy Bones" do NOT keep you busy. Seriously. Whose idea was it to name them that anyways? I can eviserate one of those things in, like, 10 minutes. Okay, so they are the ones for small to medium dogs, but I say bring on the big ones...and not in a dirty way, pervert. Jeez. Get your mind out of the gutter.

7) I can't really fit under Alex's bed. Ever since she got a new frame and stuff, it has been tough for me to wriggle my fat ass under there. She things I leave my butt hanging out because if I can't see you, then I think you can't see me (which, crazily, is also true), but the real reason is because I didn't turn on my side so I could really get under cover. Fortunately, this is a good thing when it comes to bath time. If I DO manage to scootch under there far enough, then when Alex tries to turn me on my side (damn her - knowing my tricks), I can just pooch out my belly and the going gets tough. As in, I'm staying under there until I suck it back in. Mwahaha
6) I had a lesbian experience when I was in college, but whatever. I mean, who hasn't?
5) Before I matured and decided to settle down for awhile, I spent the first part of my life traveling with a carnival. Yep, I said it. I was a carnie. I was the bearded lady in the freak show. So those of you who thought I looked familiar might have known me from this. Truth be told, I did audition for the sword swallowing part, too, but it didn't work out well. Okay, so it wasn't a sword so much as a Swiss army knife and if it wasn't for the damn corkscrew part, I would be out making the big bucks instead of slumming here in Austin with Alex and my other new roommate, Josh. Oh, excuse me, he likes to be called Joshua...well I don't like to be called 'Tini, a-hole, so bite me.
4) I had to go to therapy for my "daddy" issues as some like to call it. Apparently, it stems from growing up in a single parent household and the lack of affection from my mom. I don't blame her, though. I mean, there were lots of mouths to feed and she had to do it all on her own. I'm not even mad at her for getting knocked up. I'd probably be a whore too if I wasn't spayed. It's a tough world out there, ya feel me, dawg? haha I made a funny!
3) When I'm home alone, I try on all my sweaters, put Alex's make-up on (LOVE ME SOME GLITTER!) and dance around to Britney Spears songs. I tend to enjoy more of her old stuff, i.e. "...Baby, One More Time" and "From the Bottom of my Broken Heart".
2) I'm pro death penalty.
1) I'm secretly on steroids. Alex thinks I have allergies and that's why my back breaks out, but it's backne from the 'roids. She also thinks I'm just naturally huge (ha-God love her) because I tower over other girl (and some boy) schnauzers. The other day, I was doing chin ups in the bathroom and nearly got caught when Alex came home for lunch. Talk about close call! Soon as I decide to like water reaching past my legs, I'm heading for the Olympics. Get ready, Phelps, you joint tokin' little bia. I will smoke that ass on the breast stroke. That's right...I said it. BAM. That just happened.

Now, don't you feel better after reading this? I thought so. Smooches!

Weed and Windblown

2008-11-18T15:25:00.001-06:00

This story is about a day that was much like many others. Alex had gone to school and work (at least, that's what she said she was doing...but seriously, why should I care? All I know is that when she's gone, I get my best sleeping done, but I digress) and I had stayed at the condo. Later in the afternoon, my roomie returned and informed me that we were taking a trip. After she finished changing, transferring her crap from her backpack to another bag and doing whatever else she just HAD to do right then (sometimes I hate her), Alex asked me if I was "ready to go".

Tangent: I hate it when she freaking asks me that. It's like wait, hold on, I need to make sure I got everything...I mean, what do I need with me? I could totally survive in the wilderness (and not because I am so fat that I don't need to eat every day like Alex says), but because I am one with nature. Seriously. It's because I practice Buddhism. Me and the Dahli go WAY back. Plus, I mean, I try to bring stuff with me whenever we go somewhere, but I have to keep it in my beard since I don't have any pockets. Every time I get something cool that I NEED, Alex takes it out and throws it back on the ground. Pisses me off. You never know when I will need that sticker or leaf or seed. Okay, I'll continue with the story at hand.

So I was already waiting by the door and we went out the door and got in the Cougar. We took a short drive to Jameson's house...it was only a few blocks away. I, of course, hung my head out the window to check everything out. This was my first trip to this part of town and I found out that Jameson had a roommate as well. Zeke the cat. I'd smelled his scent before and wasn't surprised to find that his looks matched what I'd previously concluded. He was gray sulky character with crazy eyes and bad manners. I knew trouble when I saw it. I figured it was best to avoid him and went about my business of meeting the furniture. I met Alex's mom's cats when I was younger, but never without a chaperon. Felines are not my cup of tea.

SO while I was busy getting familiar with the layout of the house, Jameson and Alex started smoking this funny smelling stuff. I knew better than to further investigate. Once, one of Brandon's roommates (not his human), blew the same type of smoke in my face. After a brief sneezing fit, I was struck with a mighty powerful thirst.

I tried to tell Brandon to get me some water, but when I tried to talk to him, no sound came out! I was really confused then. I mean, my mouth was opening and closing like a goldfish and NOTHING was coming out! God, I wish I had been under water. Would have helped my thirst. Brandon picked up on it though and filled up a huge plastic bowl with water. I drank all of it and immediately passed the F out. Anyways, point is I'd had some experience this weird stuff before. Brandon called it "getting high". I call it getting parched. And yeah, I was still rockin' the brown spot.

While Alex and Jameson were talking about Jack in the Box (I'm not sure who he is, but if I was stuck in a box, I'm pretty sure I could get out..apparently he has been in there for awhile though) and laughing hysterically (wish they wouldn't have been able to talk...) at nothing, I was further investigating the house, never looking directly at the cat. I prefer the "head in the sand" approach to undesirables. If you can't see them, they can't see you, right? I am so freaking smart sometimes, I even amaze myself.

In no time, Alex decided it was time for a nap. I was done anyways (it was getting harder to ignore the crouching Zeke following me around) so we hopped in the Cougar and took off. The car ride home was fairly uneventful. I got hand my head out the window like normal and assess the neighborhood. It wasn't until we turned in the parking lot to the condo that things began to go awry.

Now, I will say Alex had been trying to indicate our arrival and accompanying end to our car journeys by utilizing the fear method. When we were getting close to our destination, she liked to roll my window up a little to frighten me into putting my head back in the car. Soon, I figured out her tricks and realized she was just kidding. All I got from that was I better soak up all the wind in my face I could. Besides, it's hard to look sexier than a Martini with her beard whipping in the wind. Seriously. I've been compared to a blond in a convertible and between you and me, I'm pretty sure that blond knows who is hotter. Whose got no thumbs and is good looking? Me.

Have you ever seen those don't do drugs commercials on MTV? You know the ones that talk about how your reaction time slows down? Well, I used to think the writers of those were just amateurs, but lemme tell ya, they know their stuff. Even though no one blew any smoke in my face, I guess I still managed to breath some in. Maybe the cat did it. Not sure how, but I wouldn't put it past Zeke. I told you he was weird.

Anyways, when Alex began to "hint" that we were almost there, I didn't realize it as fast as I normally would. Plus, I was under the impression she was just kidding. Added to that was the fact that Alex just kept rolling it on up...until my head wouldn't come back in the car.

Now, I don't think either of us will ever know if what she did was intentional to make me better behaved or if she was just careless. I do know that she did not react the correct way. I mean, I am her roommate. We tell each other secrets...go on walks together...she picks up my poop...I allow her to live... Never will I forget what she did next. She started to laugh!!!

Man, I wasn't pissed before, but that made me angry. Apparently the dumbass couldn't find the right button either. She would roll it down a little, but then roll it up some more. I didn't cry because I'm a baller, but if Mocha would have been in there, you would have thought an ambulance was coming. Anyways, by the time everything got figured out, we got out of the car and Alex quit her giggling, then it was nearly dinner time. So I decided to be the bigger person (figuratively of course) and not be angry. I mean, it's not really her fault she's an idiot.

Or that's the conclusion my therapist and I came to at least. Until next time, friends, stay cool.

Beardless and Brown

2008-11-03T17:55:00.001-06:00

*Indicates that you should see definitions below. I don't have time to put all kinds of random explanations in this thing. Deal with it.

I don't know if many of you follow dog grooming so I'll explain myself a little bit with a nice anecdote I came up with while I was using the vines (see previous post "The Day I Ate a Condom"). It's an oldie but a goodie. My mom told it to me. Okay, get excited people! I'm gonna blog.

One day, a long time ago, some of the humans were being socialized* together. After realizing that knitting is bored and chess caused physical violence (I told it was a long time ago), these humans decided to name groups of animals. Of course they started with the best group: canines. Thus came forth the variety of dog breeds.

Now, there is some other version of this like, all the dogs were building a tower trying to reach Heaven so God said we would all be different breeds, but I like this one better. The humans try to pass it off as some explanation of why they have different languages. I don't have the time to argue for historical accuracy so whatever. We're going with the first one.

Sometimes I think it is a great system. If Alex tells me that one of her companions has a pittbull, then I know what to expect (I'm going to be the smartest and best looking one there is the obvious conclusion. Other times, I hate that I'm supposed to be stereotyped as a certain kind of dog. As if the humans who declared "breeds" could actually put me in a class with other dogs! I know -I'm as full of contempt, disdain and Greenies as you are. Well, if you have good taste that is.

The type of dog I am is a miniature schnauzer. I believe I've already discussed this some. However, I have not mentioned that I have one characteristic that differentiates me from other four legged creatures (just for the purposes of this blog, pretend you don't know that I reek of awesome). Wait for it....

I DON'T SHED!

Oh yeah, baby. So all of you posers who say you are allergic to all dogs, you're not allergic to me. So please, feel free to thank your lucky stars. However, this does mean that my hair just keeps growing. Some people, not mentioning any names (roomie), suck at making sure that I am groomed* in a timely fashion (I live with her) and the long hair makes it where I can't see (Alex, if you can't see my eyes, then I can't see you. Jesus.).

Okay, I think you have been prepped enough. Let us commence with The Haircut Incident.

Whenever we were in college, Alex would have to go take a lot of tests around the end of every semester. She would be gone for a long time because she had to study (so she said) and then she would go out after she took her last tests because she had to relieve stress. I didn't mind the second part of the equation so much. Whenever she drinks then she can't feel how hard I accidentally (mwahahaha <-- evil laugh) bite her when we are playing.

For some reason (probably cause she's kind of dumb), Alex thought that a haircut appointment at 7:30 a.m. the day after her last final (the following drinking binge) would work out great. I don't know why I'm the only one who ever can see these things happen. Seriously. I lick my butt and I'm the smartest in this household? Come on.

Anyways, I was up and was ready to take care of business (one good thing about shitting in public; I never went anywhere again with out pooping beforehand). Alex did not wake up so easily unfortunately. Whenever she finally did get in motion, it seemed like she was having trouble walking. I was also glad that it was getting to where I couldn't see because, well, let's just say my roomie was not at her best looking that fine day. Nor at good looking, okay looking or anything that sounds like she was pretty. At all. In fact, she kinda looked like this.

NOTE: PHOTO HAS BEEN DISCOVERED BY ALEX AND THUS, REMOVED. SORRY.

But worse. And no smile (which might have made it better actually).

Tangent: Being the health nut I am, I like to run around alot in the great outdoors. By doing so, the stupid froo-froo haircut that is specific to schnauzers gets spotted with seeds, leaves, etc. They don't bother me so much, but my roomie hates vaccuuming (and that thing scares the living crap out of me so I hide whenever its time to clean the carpets) so she always tries to pick them out. It takes forever because of my sexy, silky smooth fur (better than mink, baby). This is crucial information.

Okay, so Alex can't walk, I can't see, but somehow we make it to the groomers. When we walk in, they get excited to see because, damn, I'm me and Alex hands off my leash to the clerk. As I'm shaking my shit out of the room, I overhear the guy at the front (also bearded so I think we connected a spiritual level) ask if I want my haircut in typical schnauzer fashion. I hear my roomie say no and start giving instructions. I wasn't too worried though. I mean, you can't really mess this up, if you know what I'm saying. ;)

So I wait awhile and they give me treats and I don't get too suspicious whenever the groomer spent extra time on me because I love hanging out with me. Eventually it is 4:30 and time for pickup. Alex arrives.

I hear her and get happy because I know Brandon is with her and he LOVES me. I mean, they stayed together way longer than they would have if I hadn't been around. He would have tossed her aside in no time, but my charm kept him coming back. Alex disagrees, but whatever. I say just let me have it. I mean, listen to what she had done to me.

Anyways, the clerk gets me and puts my leash on and I run out, expecting to hear compliments all around about how good I look and how much I was missed. Instead, I hear Alex, my own roommate, say, "That's not my dog."

The clerk checks again and I'm getting pissed. This is what I wagged my nub for? You have got to be kidding me. No one had let me look at my reflection so I had no idea what anyone was talking about. I was trying to figure out why Alex had put her hand over her mouth in shock. I mean, yeah I felt a little bit more breezy, but it was probably just a little shorter than normal. Plus, my hair had been so long I hadn't been able to see before so that's probably why she didn't recognized me. Little did I know that staring back at her was this:

Yes, you really just saw that. Did I mention that it was December?! Yeah. She had told the guy to "cut it all off". What she didn't realize was that it was not clear that she only meant the skirt. So now I was bald with a chilly ass all because somebody still wasn't sober the next morning. Alex's dad told me I looked homeless. Others said they'd never seen a white miniature Pinscher! It was horrible. Alex laughed the whole way home and then made me wear a damn bow on Christmas Eve!

You are probably wondering what the brown spot is on my forehead. In case I hadn't already had enough drama in my recent life, Alex decided to spice things up a little more. And she is totally to blame. I mean, I was just hanging out. It wasn't like I shaved HER head or anything.

About two weeks (and one guy) later, the second incident occurred. Alex wanted to dye her hair. While she was doing this, I kept a close watch for a chance at payback (and I needed her body heat -I was freezing all the time now). Alex was putting the dye in her hair in the bathroom and I thought it would be a good-no, scratch that-a great idea to stand in between her legs. She kept getting annoyed with me and her lack of movement which she deemed my fault (I know, right? I'm the only one who takes responsibility for their actions. I mean, I didn't tell the cashier that she had pooped in PetCo).

Anyways, I was just hanging out, like I said, and trying to stay warm when she put some of the dye on my head! Guess she thought if I had spots people wouldn't think I was a Pinscher. So I was now bald and had a brown stain on my head AND had to take a bath! I have never entered a bathroom without being forced to again.

This did not dispell the comments on the wrong dog breed. Nope, people just kept telling me I had dirt on my head. Some tried to get it off. Her new boyfriend told everyone about how we matched. One person called PETA. I started to go with the agent, but how would I have gotten my revenge? Justice is what I wanted. And justice is what I got. Ask Alex about the time the bird attacked her. She'll tell you what's up.
I even had to start seeing a therapist because of my tantrums. They would happen whenever I say any dog with more hair than me (so basically when I saw any dog), I wanted to fight them. If Alex hadn't broken it up, I totally could have taken this wolf. It's about the size of the fight in the dog, you know?

Anyways, turns out I had daddy issues or something. Wish I could go into my therapy sessions but it's time for Beneful. Until next time...

Appendix

Being socialized: whenever you are forced to hang out with inferior creatures of your species. Ex. Alex thinks she needs to make sure I'm being socialized by saying, "Be a sweet puppy" whenever some idiot continues to sniff my ass long after you could call it a greeting and she doesn't want me to growl.

Groomed/grooming: when your human drops you off for a trim and you have listen to all these other mutts whine and moan about getting their haircut and then you get happy when the groomer says, "We've got a bleeder!" because you know that some idiot didn't stand still. Pussies.

The Day I Ate a Condom

2008-10-28T18:14:00.002-05:00

So, yeah...I know that I've already written my first post, but I figured that this story is an attention getter. The sooner I get fans, the better. No, seriously...I'm too awesome not to have a following. I mean, come on. Look at me. That's right. Eat your heart out, Lassie.

Before reading this story, I must tell you that I was really bored that day, no one was, ahm, paying attention to me, and I was barely a year old. Okay, enough disclaimers. Here it goes. Oh and don't judge me. Okay...now we are really ready. Or at least as ready as you can be when discussing the digestion of latex.

I remember that day like it was yesterday...it was a warm, um, crap. Whatever. You don't need to know the day. It was a long time ago and it was in the afternoon. What you do need to know is that Alex told me that morning that she was going to be getting off work early. Yawning, I replied with my usual "You are such an idiot and I don't know why I tolerate your existence sometimes" look. Then, she told me the great news and I understood. We were going to PetCo.

I had heard tales around the apartment complex from other dogs. Mocha, a male Schitzu (right? I mean, how manly can you be with a frickin' bow in your hair? Geez), had said it was pretty sweet, except for the clothing and accessories section. I nearly called him a liar when he said there was an actual buffet (!) of dog snacks that you could try before you buy. That's right. I said it. Let's take a minute for this to sink in.

Okay, back on track...so when Alex mentioned that our afternoon would include a trip to a place that can only be described as heaven-like, I was pumped. She headed off to class and I stored my energy up by sleeping most of the day in preparation of the fun ahead. Around 2pm-ish, Alex came home. Unfortunately, she was not alone.

Now, I'm going to skip through the details here. I might think she's dumb sometimes, but I do love my roomie. Let's just say that I was disappointed and attempting to express my frustration while she was otherwise occupied. I mean, do you KNOW how much fun it is to chew up a paperback novel? Or even homework for Agronomy 205? Maybe you haven't experienced it, but I can tell you that I have. It's amazing. Totally compensates for any guilt you may later feel that your roommate has to tell the professor that her dog actually did eat her homework. The point is, I hadn't chewed anything up that day and let me tell you...I wasn't the strongly disciplined dog of the world that I am today. No, ma'am. I was weak. There were lots of "accidents" during that time of my life. I'm not proud. However, on that day, I was great. Then she brings a boy home. It really was her fault. Maybe if she wasn't such a baby about having "pillow talk" then none of this would have happened. Whatever. Least we both knew I peed on the boy's pillow, like, 2 weeks before. That's right, bitches -I laugh last. Write that down.

So after spending some time on other activities, Alex asks me if I'm ready. Are you kidding me? I've been waiting on her forever (well, heehee, not quite that long, if you know what I mean). I jumped around as she tried to put my leash on (ugh, I hate that thing). I finally sit (and NOT because I was repeatedly asked) because my stomach felt kinda weird...I couldn't figure out what was going on. I figured I'd walk it off. Nothing was stopping me now. I was going to PetCo.

Alex very politely rolled the window down for me and I got to stick my head out the window on the ride there. Man, I love doing that. That day, though, I couldn't quite enjoy it. My stomach was still feeling weird and had started to make some weird noises. Fortunately, Alex was singing (that's what she calls her wailing) and couldn't hear me. I knew that if I was going to enjoy my time in heaven, I was gonna have to take care of some business soon. VERY soon.

We pulled up in the parking lot and GASP! It was all concrete!!! There was a tiny little median with a tree and packed dirt. Now, personally, I like to use these vines that they planted in my old complex. Actually, they have them in my new place too. I don't know what it is, but every time I step in those, I have the urge to...Whoa. Sorry, total tangent. Anyways, I can tell you that its a good thing PetCo is awesome on the inside because the outside is lacking.

I didn't get to relieve myself outside between my horror at the conditions of the facilities and Alex pulling on my leash. We get inside and I swear, the angels were singing and the red and blue neon looked like the most majestic sunrise you've ever seen. I was immediately less aware of my need to, well, you know, and consumed with the urge to explore. Everything was going great until a sign appeared in front of us: Apparel & Accessories.

Now, the floor of PetCo is tiled and you can't get much traction on it. Believe me, I tried...Alex was dragging me along, not even noticing that I didn't want to go down there. Well, I gave her something to notice. Mwahahaha

In my experience, I believe in preventative measures. Now, it is certain that she was going to stuff me into another sweater or give me a pink collar like Mocha's (Dude, I know.), but she had that look in her eye. While she was admiring the fashions, I marked my territory. I mean, I really marked it. haha Good thing I did too. I would like turn your attention to Exhibit A. Need I say more?

Figured out what was upsetting my stomach, too. Upon further examination, I realized that it was shiny because some of it was wrapped in latex. Believe me, this poop was strange looking. And it did not smell nice either.

As the scent wafted over to Alex, she turned and her jaw dropped. There, in the middle of aisle, was a pile of dog crap that was ribbed for her pleasure and it was obvious who the culprit was. I haven't seen my roomie move fast very often, but that day, she could have beaten Michael Johnson. She gave my leash a good pull and started toward the front. The one thing she didn't know was that the Exit was right past the cashiers.

While we were leaving, a clerk asked her if she found everything okay. I was all about getting out of there or at least checking out that buffet thing, but Alex decided to listen to her conscience. Before we ran out the door, I heard her say, through gritted teeth, "Clean up on aisle 3."

It was 2 years before I got to go to PetCo with Alex again. Thank God for her parents. :)

About Me

2008-10-28T17:36:00.000-05:00

Let's see...where should I start? Please forgive me as this is the first time I've ever had a blog. It took me quite awhile to learn to type since I am without thumbs. I guess I should introduce myself first. Hi, my name is Martini Olivia (leave it alone - I didn't pick it!) and I am a white Miniature Schnauzer. Do not be fooled by the reference to small stature -I can promise you that if we ever met, you wouldn't believe how big I actually am! I feel that it is all about presence. Plus...well, let's just say that it's not the most accurate description. Some would say it is a weight problem (I know Alex sure does), but I completely disagree. I'm in a life long love affair and my partner is anything I can consume. I wouldn't quite limit it to food. But that's another story. We'll come back to that.

I mainly reside in Austin, Texas, but also have a country home with my roommate's parents. I have a two bedroom apartment all to myself...well, besides my human, Alex. Here's a picture of both of us. I know some of you out there are visual learners. Hopefully, this will help you keep things straight.

Yeah, I know it's a Christmas picture. Please disregard that sweater...Sigh. We will talk more about clothes later.

What was I saying...ah, yes, my human. I know, I know -you thought it was a boy. Got ya. (Besides do you really think a boy is dumb enough to create a blog and devote it completely to what is most likely his dog's perspective on life? Exactly.) Nope, Alex is a girl. The majority of the time we get along okay. Somtimes, she tries to pretend -ha-that she is in charge. Go figure! Crazy humans and their thumbs.

We have both agreed that it is better not to act like I am her child. I think it's demeaning and Alex has some sort of issue with the fact that her biological clock is starting to tick louder so no saying "Martini's mom" (oops, probably wasn't supposed to mention the clock thing...aw, screw it). The term we decided on after a very democratic process (everytime Alex said something I didn't like, I licked my ass so she caught my drift pretty quick) is roommate. Now, even though she pays the bills, I think that my role in the relationship is MUCH more important. After all, I decide who may enter.

What else? I'm 28 right now...in dog years of course. I didn't feel like having a party this past year (being so close to 30 and whatnot), but man, was my 21st birthday AWESOME. I had a Mexican Martini theme and my friends brought their owners and I got drunk and passed out around midnight. Didn't puke though. I'm a baller like that. Beer is nothing when you say hello by smelling butts.

Just to give you a little better idea what I'm all about, I thought I would share with you some of my favorite things: food, attention, talking, being a monster, food, welcoming people by barking (try it some time -the humans will freak), food, and hanging out at my local dive bar, Bull McCabe's. Other than that, I guess I'd like to say welcome and enjoy. I'll try to keep you updated with everything I'm doing. We'll see how it goes.

-Martini